THE UPPER LIP
Hello there. We meet again. And yes, that is a ferret on my lip. Thank you for noticing. But let’s not waste any more time with simple pleasantries. Let’s get right to it, because as C and C told their Music Factory, “It’s getting’, it’s gettin’, it’s getting’ kind of hectic!” The newborn of a season is starting to grow some hair (though not where it counts) and as the puck drops night in and night out some interesting trends are beginning to develop amongst our 29 jersey-emblazoned groups of warriors. Oh, crap. Forgot about Phoenix. That should read “…amongst our 30 jersey-emblazoned groups of warriors.” Sorry, J.R. Let’s blame the media instead of the fact you guys were shut out by the Kings last night. No, I know Gretzky is your coach! I know! Greatest player of all time not named Mario! But you might want to ask him why there is steam coming out of all twelve of his orifices and let me do my job. Of ignoring Phoenix.
Anyway, let’s get this thing rolling fuzz freaks. Because I just feel like shouting it: I’VE GOT THE POWER!!!
Power play, that is. As we fans learned early last year (and the Penguins sometime around March), special teams can decide games like never before in the history of the great game of hockey. Not even back in 1919 when the Portsmouth Zeppelins lost the coveted Sears Roebuck Bronzed Tobacco Pipe to the Doolie Town Union Busters after P.D. Barnaclacken took a twenty-five minute penalty for back-sassing. Man, were they strict back in ought-nineteen! And the games were only twenty minutes long to begin with! Times have changed, but the focus a team has to place on their respective power play and penalty kill units is nearly as sharp as it was back in Barnaclacken’s day.
Let’s start our special teams class with a little quiz (won’t be graded, but still – no cheating). Question number one: which NHL team currently has the league’s best power play? Which team currently has the worst? Whose penalty kill is firing above 92 percent and whose penalty kill is merely adequate?
Well, if you answered Florida, Ottawa, Montreal, and the New York Rangers then congratulations! You passed with flying colors! And speaking of flying, after their humiliating 9-1 loss to Buffalo this week it will probably come as no surprise that the Flyers are posting a power play success rate of only 8.2%. But what is surprising is that they’re not even 2nd to last in this category. Tampa Bay, Detroit, and Calgary are each scoring on less than 10% of their power play chances. Ottawa, who supposedly employs Jason Spezza, Danny Heatley, and Daniel Alfredsson, has a lip-numbing 2.9% success rate on the power play. Actually, I shouldn’t have used the word “success” anywhere in that sentence because this unit has been nothing but a catastrophic failure thus far. The Senators went 0 for 4 last night against the Avalanche and have now failed to score in 32 consecutive power play opportunities. To date they have but one lone goal in 34 chances with the man advantage. I’d call that a man disadvantage. Get it? Eh? Eh? Seriously, did you get it? Good.
At the other end of the spectrum, the Florida Panthers have a somewhat astonishing success rate of 31.3% when graced with the extra skater. Whether newly acquired Todd Bertuzzi is having a direct impact on this number can be debated, but what can’t be argued is that without him the Vancouver Canucks have managed only a 14.3% rate while on the power play. Guess it’s a good thing they got Luongo, huh? On the other hand, what did Luongo ever do for Florida? Did he lead them to a 31.3% power play success rate? I doubt it. In fact, sources in Florida tell me that as a team, the Panthers are an exact 31.3% happier without him. Go figure.
On the shorthanded side, Montreal has set the mark to beat at 92.3%, excellent numbers for a team that appears to have somewhat of a goaltending controversy on their hands. Second in the league is the Atlanta Thrashers at 90.9%, whose only controversy at the moment is the indecision displayed in the horribly designed sleeves of their home jerseys. (“Atlanta” written on one arm and nothing on the other. Word in the dirty south is if the Thrashers don’t make the playoffs this year, the empty sleeve next year will be replaced with the words “Still Sucks.”). And what about the Senators, or the woeful Flyers, whose PP (hehehe) numbers are so poor? Well, their miseries haven’t extended yet to their shorty units, but the promising Predators have promised to only prevent a power play goal 74.3% of the time which has them sitting in the cellar looking up in this particular category. Also interesting is that Preds coach Barry Trotz looks 74.3% like a 1920’s era gangster. Word to the wise: don’t give Trotz the high-hat, sonny. You might find yourself digging a grave-sized hole in the middle of nowhere Tennessee. On a positive note, you’ll be buried within viewing distance of Dolly Wood.
And like Dolly Parton’s bust size, we as critical hockey fans have to take these numbers with a grain of salt. It isn’t always the most efficient team that wins the game, and even the best teams suffer bad nights every now and then which can inflate (or implant) these specialty numbers (or NUM3RS). What matters most are cohesiveness, determination, effort, and desire. With these core elements in place, even the lowliest of clubs can make an unlikely run that will take them all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals.
Where they will lose to the team that was good all year long.
Until they make the tiny comb even tinier,
-Stache
Comments
Nice Stache, really nice!
Barry Melrose used to judge the quality of team by it's powerplay, and going by your numbers can we really be surprised by the current fate of Ottawa and Philadelphia? Not really.
Is it really a surprise that the Panthers powerplay is so effective with Bertuzzi injected into it? An immovable monster like him down low scooping up loose pucks, certainly has to help. It looks like he has found a new home.
I love the Barry Trotz / Millers' Crossing reference....you vouch for the psychic power play business? Jesus Tom.
Great work Stache. May the Beard be with you....always.
Posted by: Captain Bosh | October 20, 2006 04:22 PM
Dude, It's halfway through october and you still ain't named a beard of the month...
I think Scott Niedermizzle is sporting some fine chin fur, though I wans't watching it too closely.
Posted by: jatllasb | October 20, 2006 11:13 PM
Gentlebeards, it has come to my attention that we are seriously lacking in our tools to quanitativly assess the playoff beard.
While Cap'n Bosh has put forth an admirable effort and laid the crucial foundations. He should be considered a pioneer in the new science of Playoff Beard assesement.
However, the current Guide to Grading the Playoff Beard only accounts for beard size. This inherently gives an advantage to those who have been growing their beards for a long time, such as Commodore or Neidermizzle. This allows very little chance for rookies to be serious competiters. As you are well aware, there are several beard factors which must be accounted for.
1. Color--Beards come in a variety of colors and should be given their credit.
2. Area (aka "size")--Size matters. A full neck, throat, sideburns, cheeks and moustache beard is a thing of beauty, while would you ever want to be seen with a soul patch? I didn't think so.
3. Body (a.k.a. "fluffiness")--Some beards are large, They cling to the chin like Rosie O'Donnel to a Belgian chocolate. Others look like a hedgehog stapled to a man's chin. Due credit should be given to Beards that aren't afraid to stand up and be noticed
As such, I propose a significant revamping of the Playoff Beard.com's Guide to Grading the Playoff Beard. The new system will include a point system, with certain traits being awarded positive and negaitve points as needed, and the final score of the beard being the Beard with the greatest amount of points.
Posted by: jeff | October 21, 2006 12:39 AM
Here follows a prototype of the new system.
Playoff Beard.Com's Guid to Grading the Beard (prototype)
Size:
1. Award one point for significant beard presence in each of the following areas (fractions are possible): Throat, sideburns, chin, jawline, moustache, cheeks(not including the jawline)
2. If both beard and a moustache exist, award one point if they are connected
3. Rate the Beard in overall Body on a scale of 1-5. Beards with exceptional body are awarded a 5 (see: The Commodore), while beards of unacceptable body (See: the E. Staal) are awarded a 1.
Color:
4. Award 1 point if the color of the beard does not match the color player's haircolor
5. Closely examine the beard. do you notice multiple colors? Award (n-1) points , where n is the number of distinct colors in the Beard. (this will compensate for the base color of the beard, which should not count towards multiple colors).
Answer # 6 only if there is significant graying of the Beard.
6. Award one point if the beard is graying. Add an additional point if the graying is evenly distributed throught the Beard. Blotchy of spotty graying beards are not awarded the second point. (For an example of a Beard that would be awarded full points, see the S. Niedermayer)
Appearence/Styling:
7. Rate the beard from 1-5 on Wildness. A beard that is awarded 5 points is one that is defintiely all natural, while a beard that has obvious trimming will be awarded fewer points. The greater and more obvious the trimming, the fewer points awarded.
8. Subtract 1-3 points if the beard is distinctly styled, the worse the style, the more points subtracted Examples: a "chin-strap" will have one point subtracted, while "ham-hocks," or "mutton chops" will have the full three points subtracted.
9. If the Beard even remotely resembles a Police Officer moustache, subtract 2 points.
The Added up total will be the final Beard Development Index (BDI) The BDI will be allow for quick, simple comparison of different styles and ages of beards. The higher the BDI, the mightier the Beard.
Keep in mind that this is merely a prototype, and any suggestions are welcome.
Oh,and on a less seious note, did you know that the AdSense sidebar has an advertisement for "pubic hair removal?" Just thought you'd be interested.
Posted by: jeff | October 21, 2006 01:04 AM
While I take obvious issues with the inclusion of #9, I do think this is a fabulous BDI prototype you have developed, Jeff. I've always thought of grading Cheek Perms as the sweet science, and now you've made it a little bit sweeter. Well done, sir.
And, yeah, I ain't sayin' Trotz is in tight with your boy the Dane or nothin', Bosh, but riddle me this: has anybody seen former Preds captain Scott Walker this year? Hmm?
Give the kid a penny.
Posted by: Stache | October 21, 2006 07:29 AM
AWWWWW did somebody hit you?
Jeff, I love the grading system....you must be studying mathematical engineering in school, or are a former Olympic Figure Skating Judge.
You bring up some valid points, and the original beard grading system is definitely more for the post season chin mullet, rather than it's regular season counterpart. However, I have always been more of Playoff Beard purist. Taking all factors you mentioned into consideration and rather than trying to stamp it with a number....become one with the beard.
I do like where you are going, but rather than assign points, lets find iconic representations of the beard grades. For me, the perfect beard is Chuck Norris...while the worst would be somewhere in the Cliff Clavin from Cheers area.
As far as Octobers Beard of the month, I have a few nominees, but I would like to hear your guys, and perhaps we can discuss before declaring the winner?
Posted by: Captain Bosh | October 21, 2006 02:47 PM